The turning of a year seems to beg us to reevaluate,
revitalize, and recommit. We resolve to do better and to
be better in almost every area of our lives. The only
problem is that when it comes to breathing new life into
an old relationship, most of us are not sure how to do
it.
But we used to know how! Try reinstating some
behaviors that came naturally at the beginning of the
relationship.
Be curious. Getting to know someone and sharing
ourselves is an intoxicating experience. When we first
meet, we evoke a childlike curiosity about the other,
wanting to know all about them—their beliefs, dreams,
and passions. The problem is that we tend to think these
things are static. So, once we ask, we do not often ask
again. However, we are all constantly changing, with
new ideas, thoughts, and experiences, and most of us
like to share them.
It’s my theory that this is why, in part, the “grass looks
greener” with someone else. When we meet someone
new (whether in person or online), they show interest
in our thoughts and feelings, while our loved one may
feel they already know everything about us.
I once saw a statistic that said families spend only 12 to
14 minutes a day in dialogue and 8 to 12 of those
minutes are spent on task-oriented discussion. That
leaves only 2 to 6 minutes a day for things like values,
feelings, dreams, visions, spirituality, and relationship
bonding.
You can rekindle the connection with a little mindful
inquiry. Ask about the other person's bucket list. Ask
about any changes in their favorites. Ask for opinions.
Remember to explore without judgment. You are seeking
to learn what is new with your partner, not what is
wrong with them.
Be present. Put the phone away. Just as you have
“office hours” when you can’t be interrupted, so you
should give your love life undivided attention daily ...
even if only for a short period of time. Listen. Share.
Laugh. Breathe. Notice.
Touch. Remember when you first met and you couldn’t
keep your hands off each other? I am not talking about
sex, necessarily (although that can certainly help!). I’m
talking about nurturing, loving touch. Hold hands, hug,
pause to rub the other’s shoulders, play footsie under
the table, run your fingers through your loved one's
hair, kiss regularly, reach out to caress without an
agenda, and gaze into each other’s eyes, touching each
other’s souls.
If your sexual encounters have gotten few and far
between, prioritize some time together. Neither of you
signed up for a roommate. You signed up for a
sweetheart. Even if there are physical reasons you can’t
be as intimate as you once were, you can certainly find
a way to share some sort of private, intimate loving
time together. This is what sets your “love life” apart
from your “life.”
Do something unexpected. One dictionary defines
romance as “a tendency of mind toward the wonderful
and mysterious, something belonging rather to fiction
than to everyday life.” Occasionally break the patterns of
daily life. Go outside and look at the stars, read a book
together instead of watching TV, enjoy a surprise date,
have a picnic in the backyard. Think outside the
“normal” box.
Be the initiator —of a hug, a kiss, a date, a walk, or an
evening spent gazing at the full moon, singing, dancing,
or talking about something fun. It isn’t important who
starts it—just be sure you aren’t the one who stops it!
