Giving feedback to someone is a “moment of trust” – an opportunity to either build or erode
trust in the relationship. If you deliver the feedback with competence and care, the level of
trust in your relationship can leap forward. Fumble the opportunity and you can expect to
lose trust and confidence in your leadership.
For most leaders, giving feedback is not our most pleasurable task. Having been on both sides of
the conversation, giving feedback and receiving it, I know it can be awkward and uncomfortable. However, I’ve also come to learn and believe that people not only need to hear the honest truth about their performance, they deserve it. Most people don’t go to work in the morning and say to themselves, “I can’t wait to be a poor performer today!” We do a disservice to our people if we don’t give them candid and caring feedback about their performance.
The key to giving feedback that builds trust rather than destroys it is to have a plan in
place and a process to follow. You want people to leave the feedback discussion thinking
about how they can improve, not focused on how you handled the discussion or made
them feel.
People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will
never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou
Before Giving Feedback
Before you have the feedback discussion, it’s important to do three things:
1. Assess the quality of your relationship – What is the level of trust and mutual respect in
your relationship? If the level of trust is low, work on building it . If there has been a
specific breach of trust, work on healing the relationship before giving feedback. If the
feedback receiver doesn’t trust and respect you, your message will be perceived as one
more way “you’re out to get them.”
2. Diagnose the situation and clarify your motives – Clarifying your motive for giving
feedback and the results you want to achieve will help you give the right kind of feedback.
Is your motive to simply give information and let the receiver decide what to do with it, or
are you making a request or demand and expecting the receiver to do something different?
Be clear on the outcome you’re trying to achieve, otherwise your feedback will be muddled
and ineffective.
3. Make sure there is/was clear agreements about goals, roles, and expectations – Did you
fulfill your leadership obligations by setting the person up for success with a clear goal? If
the goal isn’t/wasn’t clear, then reset or renegotiate the goal. If circumstances beyond the
employee’s control have changed to inhibit goal achievement, work on removing those
obstacles, revisit the goal, or engage in problem solving
Feedback Guidelines
When you have the feedback discussion, you’ll be much more successful if you follow these
guidelines:
1. Give feedback on behaviors that can be changed, not on traits or personality –
Behavior is something you can see someone doing or hear someone saying. Telling
someone they need to be more professional, flexible, or reliable is not helpful feedback
because it’s judgmental, nonspecific, and would likely create defensiveness. Being specific
about the behaviors the person needs to use to be professional, flexible, or reliable will
give the receiver a clear picture of what he/she needs to do differently.
2. Be specific and descriptive; don’t generalize – Because giving feedback can be
uncomfortable and awkward, it’s easy to soft pedal it or beat around the bush. Think of
giving feedback as the front page newspaper article, not the editorial. Provide facts, not
opinions or judgments.
3. Be timely – Ideally, feedback should be delivered as close as possible to the time of the
exhibited behavior. With the passage of time, perceptions can change, facts and details can
be forgotten, and the likelihood of disagreement about the situation increases. Above all,
don’t save up negative feedback for a quarterly or yearly performance review. Blasting
someone with negative feedback months after the fact is leadership malpractice.
4. Control the context – Timing is everything! I’ve been married for nearly 26 years and I’ve
learned (the hard way) the value of this truth. Choose a neutral and comfortable setting,
make sure you have plenty of time for the discussion, be calm, and pay attention to your
body language and that of the receiver. Don’t let your urgent need to deliver the feedback
overrule common sense. Find the right time and place to deliver the feedback and the
receiver will be more receptive to your message.
5. Make it relevant and about moving forward – Rehashing or dwelling on past behavior
that isn’t likely to recur erodes trust and damages the relationship. Keep the feedback
focused on current events and problem solving strategies or action plans to improve
performance. Staying forward-focused also makes the conversation more positive in nature
because you’re looking ahead to how things can be better, not looking back on how bad
they’ve been.
Along with these five guidelines, it’s important to solicit input from the feedback receiver
to hear his/her viewpoint. You may be surprised to learn new facts or gain a better
understanding of the story behind the situation at hand. Don’t presume to know it all when
having the feedback discussion.
Giving feedback doesn’t have to be scary and painful. Most people know if they’ve messed
up or are falling short in a certain area, even if they don’t like to admit it. The way in
which the leader delivers the feedback can have more impact than the feedback itself. You
can deliver the message in such a way that your people leave the meeting committed to
improving their performance because they know you care about them and their success, or
your delivery can cause them to leave feeling wounded, defeated, and less engaged than
when they arrived. Which will it be?
It’s your moment of trust. Seize it!