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How to Save a Relationship

You love your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse, but you feel that person slipping away, or you are fighting constantly. How can you save your relationship?

First Steps:                                                                                         

Relationships go awry because of unhealthy relationship patterns. If you are fighting a lot or are avoiding each other, chances are you and your partner have some ways of behaving and interacting towards each other that are unhealthy relationship patterns learned in childhood.
To administer relationship CPR, there are some steps you can do right away to get things on the right track.

Identify Unhealthy Behaviors

Unproductive behaviors such as blaming, criticism, and attacks disguised as questions, need to be addressed as soon as possible. Dr. John Gottman identifies four behaviors that are sure to derail romantic relationships:

• Criticism - Being critical of your partner indicates you want to change your partner, that you are finding flaws, that you don't accept your partner for the way he is. Criticizing the way your mate thinks, feels, acts, or speaks, is not acceptable behavior, and it certainly will not help your relationship flourish.
• Contempt - The feeling of contempt shows a problem with mutual respect and understanding. Resentment builds up, and it's difficult to be productive in a relationship when resentment and contempt replace more productive tendencies, such as trust and communication. If you are critical of your mate and you think badly about him, chances are, contempt is rolled up in this dynamic.
• Defensiveness - Defensiveness can contribute to excessive fighting in a relationship. Defensiveness can occur if the other partner is overly critical.
• Stonewalling - Relationships heal when people learn to communicate in productive ways. Giving your partner the cold shoulder to teach him a lesson is an act of vengeance, and will only make matters worse. It shows you are holding onto your anger instead of working through it.

To try to heal your relationship, you need to focus on your part only, and not on all the wrongs you feel your partner has done.
If your relationship is not experiencing any explosive fights, you might have drifted apart instead. Sometimes inaction speaks just as loudly as actions and words. You can still look at the things you did as well as the things you didn't do, and it will help, whether you've drifted apart or are constantly fighting.

Work on Your Communication Skills

A lack of communication could be one reason why you feel a rift in the relationship. To improve communication, learn how to listen well. For example:

• Ask specific questions. Instead of asking how your mate's day was, ask "So how did your proposal go?"
• Demonstrate you are listening by maintaining eye contact, asking follow up questions, and making observations.

Focus on Your Actions

It's very easy to blame your mate for your issues in a relationship. Realize that if things are not right in your life, you need to focus on your actions to fix them. To help you get focused on your actions, ask yourself the following:

• If you are fighting with your mate a lot, what are you saying when you fight?
• Do you get so wrapped up in the argument that you lash out and say mean things?
• Are you having trouble taking a step back so you can discuss your differences calmly?

Whether it's not sharing, distancing yourself, or a displaying a lack of trust, there are reasons why you are interacting with your mate in a destructive manner. Issues from childhood can enhance your relationships or interfere with them. In order to understand how to fix your relationship, you need to acknowledge the way you behave.

Next Steps

Once you have focused on yourself and the contributions you are making to the demise of your relationship, start to focus on other aspects that need healing. Closeness, brainstorming with your partner and even acknowledging the rift in your relationship can go a long way towards solving the problems you face.

Focus on Closeness by Communicating

Life and its obligations, such as work and kids, can eat up some or all of your free time, so maintaining closeness can be more challenging. If you are fighting more or just feel emotionally distant from your partner, making an effort to feel close again will help reestablished a derailed relationship.

Acknowledge the Rift

Talking about the fact that you have drifted, whether or not it's from constant fighting, or because of a lack of availability, will help clear the air. You want to approach this in a nonjudgmental, nonaccusatory manner.
For example, you could say, "I just loved falling in love with you. I felt we were so close back then. I would love to feel close to you again." This is much more productive than an accusation such as, "I never get to see you because you care about playing golf more than you care about me."

Brainstorm

You can also communicate what you can do to feel close again. Have a brainstorming session to come up with ideas on how you can reestablish the bond you had.

• Discuss how to find some time together, such as hiring a babysitter so you can have a date once a month.
• Come up with ideas on how to spend your time together. For instance, do you both love backgammon, photography, or painting? Finding common interests will help you feel close.
• Think of new ways to spend time together. Is there a hobby you both want to pursue but never had the time?
• Think of ways you can make time for sex. A healthy sex life means a healthy relationship.

The Final Step

If you feel that your relationship is not making progress, marriage counselors can be very useful for people to mend the rift, but you don't have to be married to see a marriage counselor. You can still see one if you are in a long-term, committed relationship.
You can visit a therapist with your mate any time within this process, and the earlier you visit one, the better it is. Marriage counselors can help you define the aspects of your relationship that are going well and the aspects that are causing problems in the relationship. Counseling can also help couples clarify whether or not they want to work on their relationship.

Dealing With Infidelity

Cheating on your spouse or partner creates an entire set of circumstances. It can bring an immediate end to the relationship and any trust you have established with your partner.

Seek Counseling

If there was ever a right time to seek counseling, after one or both partners cheat, is it. Infidelity often indicates that the relationship already had some problems. In order to heal from infidelity, those issues need to be addressed.

Express Your Feelings

The person who has been cheated on will be hurt, feel betrayed, and distrust her partner. It's important to allow these feelings to be expressed, whether it occurs in a therapist's office or together as a couple.

Learn to Forgive and Trust Again

If a couple is going to survive infidelity, the person who was cheated on will need to learn how to forgive, and the person who cheated will have to earn back the trust of his partner.
One thing that can help this process is for the partner who cheated to ask what it would take for her to trust you again, and then follow up on what is said.

Is the Relationship Salvageable?

It takes effort on the part of both people to save a relationship. As long as both people are committed to working on the relationship together, it's a good sign both partners are committed to the process of healing their relationship together. Unfortunately, if your partner is not willing to work on the relationship with you, the relationship is likely going to end.

Focus On Yourself

If your relationship does end and the other partner doesn't want to work on it, the best action for you to do is to focus on yourself. Make sure you take time to take care of your physical health. Acknowledge and experience your feelings, even if it is difficult. These feelings will abate over time, and you will learn and grow from this experience.

Don't Make It Worse

There are other actions you can take. You may not be able to fix the relationship, but at least you will not be doing something that will make the situation worse, such as trying to force your partner to stay or pleading with him. These behaviors don't fix the problems that exist between you and your partner.

Make Efforts Early

The best way to save a relationship is to become proactive. Is the relationship going well? Do you feel close to one another? Are you fighting a lot? Do you communicate well? Even if your relationship is stormy, you can do things to show you are dedicated to learning and growing with the person. Your partner can be a valuable resource for you if you listen well, and you can communicate what you are willing to do to make your relationship work.
For instance, you can say things like, "I'm really sorry I blew up at you like that. I am realizing I don't handle stress very well, and because of the way I was raised, I didn't learn a healthy way of dealing with it. I am learning skills to cope with stress better. Can you forgive me? Know that I am aware of the problem now and I am working to fix it."
If you are having trouble keeping calm, focused, and centered, working on the relationship in a healthy manner, seeking counseling sooner than later will help your relationship go in a healthier direction. The sooner you get into counseling, the better your chances are of your relationship surviving.  (By Kirsten Schuder)

(by Saptaswa Bhowmik)

(by Saptaswa Bhowmik)

(by Indrani Chakraborty)

(by Indrani Chakraborty)

You Can Do simple thing today that Will Make You Happier

You know you are on the right track in life when you become disinterested in looking back, and eager to take the next step.
Think about that for a moment, and ask yourself: What does my happiness feel like?
Over the years, Marc and I have asked you to join us in examining the relationship between happiness and hardship.  Hardship feels easy to define – a season of financial struggle, a time of personal loss, a period of life marked by tragedies – as the source of ongoing frustration in our lives.  But happiness?  What exactly is the emotion we call happiness and why do we crave it so badly?
When trying to define happiness, it’s tempting to adopt the “I’ll know it when I see it” mindset.  I have no doubt that you will – but Marc and I challenge you to dig a bit deeper.  Take just a moment to write down 2–3 specific action steps that you know make you feel happy.
These are what I have written down.  For me, my happiness comes from time spent with my loved ones and on the work I deem important.  Spending quality, uninterrupted time with Marc and our son Mac brings me great joy.  I also find that I am flush with happiness after I’ve conquered a long blog post or read a heartfelt email from a long-time reader.
But here’s the real secret to happiness: what makes me happy may not make you happy.  Perhaps your true happiness comes in the silence of an afternoon of meditation, or maybe you find happiness at the end of a long hike up a mountain.  Where you find joy is not as important as understanding how you find joy.
In some of our recent blog posts, Marc and I have pushed you to define the obstacles in your life – the struggles standing between you and happiness.  Defining our obstacles gives them clarity, and it helps us chart the path to conquering them.  The same holds true for happiness: in defining specific actions that drive our happiness, we learn to build those activities into our daily lives.
When we know how to get to happiness, we can be sure that we make it a regular part of our day.
Take time today to define happiness for yourself.  If you’ve been making a habit of looking to others for what makes YOU happy, it’s time to give that up.  I promise, doing so will make you happier almost instantly.
How do I know this is true?  Well, let me ask you this: Have you ever met a happy person who regularly avoids responsibility, blames and points fingers and makes lots of excuses for their unsatisfying life?  Me either.  Happy people accept responsibility for how their lives unfold.  They believe their own happiness is a byproduct of their own thinking, beliefs, attitudes, character and behavior.
You’ve really got to stop worrying so much about what others think.  I may find happiness in my writing, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be a writer to be happy.  Shut out all the judgmental and well-meaning voices, and listen to yourself only for a while.  And don’t worry if your definition of happiness seems incomplete – embracing happiness is an ongoing process.
If you find yourself needing support in that process of embracing happiness, help is here.  Today, with great excitement, Marc and I are pleased to announce the grand opening of Getting Back to Happy, a comprehensive online course designed to teach you about the scientifically proven factors that impact happiness.  This course provides a detailed, step-by-step plan for improving your confidence, strengthening your approach to relationships, and learning constructive methods for dealing with conflict and adversity as you pursue your most important goals.  We invite you to join the supportive Getting Back to Happy community as you learn to define happiness on your own terms.
We decided to create Getting Back to Happy because we wanted to provide even more value to YOU.  Earlier this year, we reflected on how else we can help our readers delve deeper into the principles of happiness that propel positive change in all our lives.  We searched for a fresh opportunity and found it by sorting through thousands of our blog’s comments and emails.
People like you send us messages every day asking for a more in-depth exploration into the topics we write about on our blog.  We’re able to help some folks with this deeper dive through our one-on-one coaching, but that form of engagement is limited by only so many hours in the day.
We also receive a lot of encouragement to do live weekend seminars about the principles and rituals of happiness.  That idea is very exciting, although with an infant son, we’re not quite ready for it yet.  So, we decided to blend the concept of coaching with the concept of an event into a new, amazing, immersive experience for you.
Getting Back to Happy truly is the go-to resource for anyone serious about taking action to reclaim their happiness and realize their full potential.
We’ve come to appreciate that happiness is much more than just an emotion; it’s a path to growth and fulfillment.  Overcoming daily struggles and life stresses isn’t easy.  Action is necessary to reclaim the happiness you deserve.  Action is required to realize your goals and dreams.  Getting Back to Happy takes all of the proven principles we discuss on our blog and in our book, and provides a clear course of action to change your life.
If you’d like to be among the first to gain access, we want to offer you something special.  As an early access member, when you enroll this week (offer ends on Nov. 8), you will also receive $1,900 in bonuses:

• Audio versions of all course lessons – so you can listen and learn on the go too.  ($400 value)
• One hour of two-on-one Skype, FaceTime or phone coaching with both Marc and me – so we can help you with the course material, or any topic you like ($500 value).
• A full year of personalized email support by Marc and me (not outsourced to someone else) – to make sure you’re getting the daily support you need to create the life you deserve ($1,000 value).

Take advantage of this limited time, early access special HERE.
Honestly, Marc and I are so proud of this course.  We filled it with our best advice – advice gathered from firsthand experience, nearly a decade of studying and writing about the psychology of happiness and success, and through coaching thousands of people just like you.  From proven ways to foster stronger relationships, to actions engineered to help you let go of toxic behaviors, to scientifically proven methods of making progress on your personal and professional goals, the learning modules in this course will inspire and equip you to become your strongest, most effective self.
Getting Back to Happy is perfect for you if you identify with the following:

• Things have changed in my life and I don’t know where to go from here.
• I am committed to positive change, but I feel stuck.
• A relationship I am involved in has become toxic.
• My personal and professional growth has stalled and I want to feel excited about what I’m doing again, and make real, lasting progress.
• I am generally content with my life, but there is more I want to accomplish and I don’t want to become a victim of complacency.

The bottom line is that you CAN get yourself back on track.  Inside Getting Back to Happy, you’ll discover what it takes to get back to a happier, simpler life worth celebrating.  It all comes down to a choice – your choice.  Positive change is possible, if you choose to step forward.
So what choice will you make?

If you choose to take control of your circumstances, then we’d love to welcome you into Getting Back to Happy. (by Marc and Angel Hack Life)

How to hold your Long-Term Relationships… some tips

It is a rather difficult place to be when you have been in a relationship for a long time and
are not sure what you want out of life just yet. I understand the feeling of being unsure
about the next step. When it comes time to decide, make sure you know for certain. I
know many people are okay with on-again/off-again relationships, but for a long-term,
committed relationship, that doesn’t fly. If you end it, end it. There is no going back and
forth. If you want to end a relationship with somebody, you better expect them to move
on, so don’t go getting all upset that he or she didn’t wait for you to come back. If this is
what you are contemplating, there is one of two reasons: you’re either selfish, and
therefore not meant to be in this particular relationship, or you don’t actually want to
break up, which means it is not the relationship that is the problem – it is something else
in your life that is bothering you. To figure out why you are having problems and
eventually reach your ultimatum about the relationship, make sure you do the following:

   1. First of all, make sure you are doing things to better yourself. Do not put anyone
else before yourself. You only have one life, so make sure to live it happily. For
example, I’m studying in Germany for half a year. Yes, this will put much tension
on my relationship, but I have worked hard to go and I decided to put myself first.
If it’s a good relationship, your beau will back your decisions and tell you to go
for your dreams.

    2. Secondly, think about why you are in the relationship in the first place. Reflect.
How did this relationship come about? What have you two gone through in the
past few years? Think about what this person means to you. Is s/he just
somebody you keep around for company? Does it feel like you two are just friends
or good roommates? Think about the relationship and how it makes you feel. If
you are overall unhappy, you need to talk with him/her to figure out where the
problems lie.

   3. Just remember that you cannot “fix” this person. Never expect anyone to change.
If your problem is that your babe is a little too this or that, you need to ask
yourself if you can live with that forever. Can you personally handle it? And when
you’re thinking about this, remember that nobody in this world is perfect. Yes,
there may be someone who is better for you than the person you are currently
with, but there is still going to be something that bothers you about this person
that will not change. It comes down to accepting him/her as is or letting go and
hoping it works out with someone new (remember, if you let go, s/he is gone and
you have to remember the fact that there is no guarantee of you two ever being
together again).

   4. Most importantly, do you love this person? Love is impossible to describe, but
when you are really deeply in love, you know it because you care about this
person, not just about the romance or the company s/he gives you. It stems much
farther than that. Can your love handle the obstacles that life will throw at you?

If you want to stay in the relationship to make your partner happy, you’ve had a really
bumpy road with this person, you cannot handle his/her flaws or you do not actually love
him/her for who they are, then maybe it’s time to end it. On the other hand, if you are
staying with this person because s/he makes you happy, you have pushed through
obstacles together, had an overall happy relationship with this person, accept his/her
flaws and you are honestly deeply in love with him/her, then you can probably make it
work. Nobody can actually tell you what to do about your relationship because you and
your partner are the only ones that are in it and can fully understand it. Listen to your
family and friends’ advice, but remember it all comes down to what YOU want out of life.

    Now if you have decided to make it work, figure out why you were questioning the
relationship in the first place. Think about what your life looks like right now and what
his/her life looks like. If you have a lot happening in your life or your partner has a lot
going on, then maybe your problem is that you are simply stressed! In this case, focus on
the real problems. If it’s school, focus on school; if it’s a problem at work, try to solve
that particular problem. There are times when committed relationships are not the center
of your life. If you are so stressed that you have considered ending your relationship, then
you need to take a step back and de-stress. Focus on your issues, resolve them and then
you can focus on your relationship again. If you are both deeply committed to each other
and both love each other, then you should both understand that other things in life have
to be the focus sometimes and you will get through the hard times. Remember that during
these hard times, you and your partner can lean on each other and lift each other up. Do
not take out your frustration on your partner and try to keep a clear head, so you can once
again feel that love that brought you two together since the very beginning of your long-
term relationship.

Some Questions for Your Next Date

If you had one day left to live, what would you do?

Where would you most like to go on vacation?

What would you do if you won 100,000?

What is your most embarrassing moment?

Who is your favorite movie star (of the opposite sex)?

What do you like best about me?

What one thing would you like to change about me?

Who was the first person you kissed?

What is something you did as a child that your parents don't know about?

Role questions. Examples of this type of question include "how would you feel if I
made more money than you" and "would you be willing to stay home with the kids
while I work?"

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite season?

What is your favorite restaurant?

What is the craziest dream you've ever had?

What do you think is the dumbest thing you've ever done?

Is there a silly accomplishment you've made that you're secretly really proud of?

If you could trade lives with someone, who would it be?

What's your favorite time of day and why?

Who is your favorite superhero?

Is there a show that you used to watch as a kid that you would love to see come
back?

What's your favorite outdoor activity?

What's your favorite book?

Which magazines do you subscribe to?

What's one thing that almost no one knows about you?

Would you rather go for a hot air balloon ride or bungee jump?

Would you rather give up music or television for a month?

What are three things on your bucket list?

What's your favorite kind of food?

How do you handle it when your family doesn't approve of a decision you've made?

What song can always make you dance, especially when no one's around?

Do you sing in the shower?

What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?

Do you have any odd quirks?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

If you could choose any career right now, what would it be?

Do you have any hidden talents?

What phone apps are you obsessed with?

If you could pick any character from a TV show and pair them with any character
from a book for a whole new story, who would you put together?

Ask Away
Obviously, certain questions are appropriate for different phases of a relationship. You
wouldn't want to ask someone on the second date to reveal to you what most people don't
know about him, but you may be able to if you've been together for several months. There are
some questions that will be perfect for anything from a casual date to date 455 with your boyfriend however. Use your judgment when it comes to asking questions, and you'll feel as if
you know each other very well in record time. Questions like these - as well as a couple of serious
ones - are good to have in mind on dates because they keep the conversation
lighthearted, keep it moving, and most importantly, they keep it fun.