More than 5 years experience has shown me there are eight essential elements of an
effective apology:
1. Accept responsibility for your actions – If you screwed up, admit it. Don’t try to
shirk your responsibility or shift the blame to someone else. Put your pride aside and
own your behavior. This first step is crucial to restoring trust with the person you
offended.
2. Pick the right time to apologize – It’s a cliché, but true – timing is everything. You
can follow the other seven guidelines to a tee, but if you pick a bad time to deliver
your apology, all of your hard work will be for naught. Depending on the severity of
the issue, you may need to delay your apology to allow the offended person time to
process his/her emotions. Once he/she is mentally and emotionally ready to hear your
apology, make sure you have the necessary privacy for the conversation and the
physical environment is conducive to the occasion.
3. Say ‘”I’m sorry,” not “I apologize” – What’s the difference? The word
sorry expresses remorse and sorrow for the harm caused the offended person,
whereas apologize connotes regret for your actions. There’s a big difference between
the two. See #4 for the reason why this is important.
4. Be sincere and express empathy for how you hurt the other person – Along with
saying I’m sorry , this step is critical for letting the offended person know you
acknowledge, understand, and regret the hurt you caused. Make it short and simple:
“I’m sorry I was late for our dinner date. I know you were looking forward to the
evening, and being late disappointed you and made you feel unimportant. I feel
horrible about hurting you that way.”
5. Don’t use conditional language – Get rid of the words if and but in your apologies.
Saying “I’m sorry if…” is a half-ass, conditional apology that’s dependent on whether
or not the person was offended. Don’t put it on the other person. Just man up and
say “I’m sorry.” When you add the word but at the end of your apology ( “I’m sorry,
but…” ) you’re starting down the road of excuses for your behavior. Don’t go there. See
#6.
6. Don’t offer excuses or explanations – Keep your apology focused on what you did,
how it made the other person feel, and what you’re going to do differently in the
future. Don’t try to make an excuse for your behavior or rationalize why it happened. If
there is a valid reason that explains your behavior, it will likely come out during the
apology discussion. But let the other person go there first, not you.
7. Listen – This is perhaps the most important point of the eight and one that’s often
overlooked. After you’ve made your apology, close your mouth and listen. Let the
offended person share his/her feelings, vent, cry, yell, laugh, scream…whatever.
Acknowledge the person’s feelings (“I understand you’re upset”…”I see I disappointed
you”…”I know it was hurtful” ), but resist the urge to keep explaining yourself or
apologizing over and over again. I’m not suggesting you become an emotional
punching bag for someone who is inappropriately berating you; that’s not healthy for
either party. But many times the awkwardness and discomfort of apologizing causes
us to keep talking when we’d be better off listening.
8. Commit to not repeating the behavior – Ultimately, an apology is only as effective
as your attempt to not repeat the behavior. No one is perfect and mistakes will be
made, but a sincere and earnest apology includes a commitment to not repeating the
behavior that caused harm in the first place. Depending on the severity of the offense,
this may include implementing a plan or process such as counseling or accountability
groups. For minor offenses it’s as simple as an intentional effort to not repeat the
hurtful behavior.
So there you go. The Great 8 of giving effective apologies, honed from years of groveling…
err…apologizing for my mistakes. What do you think? Are there other tips you would add?
Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts.
